How do you talk to an Angel?

You don’t. Unless you wish to be accused of something.

“black haired boy crying” by Kat J on Unsplash

Dear men,

I understand your case, you want to express your love and care for a woman but are afraid that you might be presumed as a serial harasser or something even worse. I understand because I am you. Everyday we are faced with the question, how do I touch her respectfully, without violating her. This might help you answer that question.

Let’s start from the very beginning of female interaction.

Perception of Women

Before you see a woman, know a woman, feel a woman, you perceive a woman. So to ensure that every other aspect of the interaction with her is conducted without violating her in any form, it’s really important you understand the whole idea of woman. So, how should one perceive a woman?

1. As a human. That’s it. That’s all. She’s a human, and if you come across her, she should primarily be taken as a human. Which type of sex organ this human possesses is not a defining parameter. Like every human, if she is at a particular place at a particular time, it’s because, she has a purpose and that purpose is definitely not receiving your attention. Like every human, every woman has their own set of pros and cons that are so specific just to that very person; good looks can be one, but again, when was the last time you assumed that a man with good looks, who is showing his muscles is asking for you to stare at him. Same happens with women. Just because she is dressed in clothes that show certain parts of her body, does not mean she has given you the right to make her feel uncomfortable and she is definitely not asking for it.

Eye Contact

Consider you come across a really beautiful girl and are awestruck by her beauty, and you can’t take your eyes off of her (This actually happens, I’ve been in those situations myself). Fun fact: Women are sexual beings too, and sometimes, even they find a random stranger (male or female) attractive.

1. Be gentle with your look, no need to pop your eyes out.
2. She’s a human and not a sculpture, you don’t have to study every curve, observe every feature. If she wants you to notice some aspect about her body, she will let you know. (Remember the time you flexed your biceps in front of her just so that she could see how muscular you are? She can do that for herself if and when she wants you to notice something about her and she’d let you know about it herself.)
3. Don’t look at her for more than 5 seconds, this might not be enough to embrace the beauty, but okay, compromise.
4. Make that 3 seconds if you find her figure the most appealing aspect. (P.S. just because you find her cleavage beautiful, it does not make you a serial harasser or a bad person, cleavage can be beautiful as well, just like eyes can be). However remember, she’s primarily a human, and her body, like any man’s body, is not a defining parameter of the character of the person.
5. Once the 5 seconds pass, NO, DO NOT TURN AROUND TO HAVE ANOTHER GLANCE AT HER, trust your memory.

First Conversation

Now that you have successfully made it past the eye contact bit without coming across as a creep, you can go and have a conversation with her. However, it is important to remember:

1. Please don’t open by asking for her bob & vagene pics, please don’t. We all know it never works. Plus, it makes it really hard for an Indian man to get laid outside India.
2. Try looking at her face while conversing, you can look around as well, but do not look at her cleavage. I’m just assuming here that women might feel as uncomfortable as you would if someone (any gender) stares at your crotch when you’re talking to them. I’m just assuming that women are humans too.
3. Topics can vary and can be anything. Just because you want to talk about dicks, it does not make you one. However, again, observe the facial expression of the other person and assess whether the person is comfortable or not. Act accordingly.
4. If at all, you have an itch in your pubic region, be a decent human, scratch it discreetly (follow this in front of men as well).
5. You can not compliment her on something of hers you haven’t seen. Hence, don’t say nice ass, or, nice boobs.
   Um, I have a question!
   Ask.
   Can I compliment her cleavage, if it’s visible?
   Would you say nice bulge to a man you meet for the first time? When you do this, you make yourself come across as a man who’s interested in her just because of her boobs. I’m sure she also has a pretty smile, compliment her on that. I’m sure she has good knowledge on a particular subject, compliment her on that. A woman is more than her boobs and her vagina, acknowledge it, appreciate it.

First Handshake

1. Gently hold her hand, you’re not arm wrestling with her. A good approximation for the right amount of strength can be how hard you hold your dick when you fap.
2. A 3 minute shake would suffice.
3. As a habit, try not to have sweaty palms when you’re shaking, and apply this rule in company of men as well.
4. Oh wait, we’re talking about handshakes and not fapping.
5. Coming back. Pick up social cues. People get uncomfortable when you do certain things. Maybe it’s too late for you to call it quits now as you’ve already flung your arm in front of her for a handshake and don’t wish to be embarrassed, but make a mental note then and there and from there on, let her take the initiative. She will warm up to you, and when she does, she’ll let you know, verbally or with actions. Delete the mental note.

Hug or any form of touch

1. If clicking photographs, you may or may not be allowed to keep your hands around her waist/on her shoulders. Ask her and do as she says. Once she agrees, it is okay to assume for the next time, however, she can any day feel not up for it and not hug you. She’ll let you know about it through her words or her actions. (And no, asking her this will not make you a pussy)
2. When it comes to hugging, Jessica Wildfire wrote an apt article titled ‘How to Hug Ariana Grande in Public’. Give it a read.
3. Kiss on the forehead/cheek is a warm gesture but your relationship should be that warm as well. Actions should always be a representative of your current relationship with that person.

Follow these basic guidelines and you still might be labeled as a creep by a few humans, (because again, the idea of comfort is different for different people) but this can at least ensure that no one will be able to press charges against you.
This article was first sent to 50 women (including my sister and my mother). Of those 50, few found it good, and fit for posting, others suggested me edits, which I tried to incorporate. 9 of them didn’t respond. Around 5 women still didn’t like it in totality, but I chose to ignore their point of view, because, as a human, it’s my freedom to express and I can’t keep everyone happy. All the changes that I found relevant have been made before I posted it. Moreover, I am a self proclaimed feminist, I can not be wrong. I can never be wrong. All you women should appreciate me and tell me how I am the best human alive. Go on, tell me.

Lastly, no, a woman is not looking for publicity when she brings up an age old case of sexual harassment today. She does that because of any of the following reasons:

1. She finally found the courage to do so.
2. She felt a social responsibility to make people aware of the person that we all laud.
3. She likes how the prosecutor stares at her while questioning her.
4. She likes being called an attention hogging slut on Facebook.
5. She might have a huge crush on the guy who harassed her when she was 9 and was looking for a way to talk to him. (Ha Ha, Ford, you sneaky slut.)

We must realise that sexual harassment/assault/rape are not pleasant memories that someone would wish to recall, E.V.E.R. Such instances only bring haunting memories to the survivor. If she (or even he) takes time to bring this issue to public, you have to understand how difficult it must’ve been for her (or him).